As male survivors, we often find ourselves weighed down by self-blame and self-hatred. We carry not only our personal pain but also inherited traumas from generations past. And on top of it all, we bear the scars of childhood sexual abuse. Guys! It can feel like too much to carry, too much to bear. It’s okay allow yourself to feel this daunting burden.
But here’s a message to my fellow survivors, especially to those who may feel this weight in silence: It was never your responsibility as a child to speak up about the abuse. That was the responsibility of the adults around you—the ones who should have noticed the signs, who should have protected you, who should have spoken up. Too often, society normalizes or ignores these signs, leaving young ones to deal with the fallout alone.
So, if you’re struggling with self-blame, try to redirect that energy. Instead of blaming yourself, show compassion to the younger version of you who needed protection then and needs understanding now. Comfort that part of yourself. Make peace with him. Remember, he was only looking for safety—and today, it’s okay to seek relief for him, for you.
You are not defined by what happened to you. You’re defined now by your resilience, your courage, and the compassion you can now show to yourself and others. Keep going, keep healing, and know you’re not alone.
Here’s an illustration that I often use when coaching a survivor crew workshop. “It sucks and it’s unfair that someone else chucked their garbage and dog crap over the fence into your garden of life during your childhood. Unfortunately, it will remain there stink’n up your life until you decide to do the work, endure the painful stench, and invite your healthy and supportive crew to help you clean up the mess and guard the fence.
As the holiday season begins, my inbox begins to flood with hurting men seeking a listening ear, longing to finally become safely visible. The posts during this time are coming more rapidly than once a week. Please grant me a bit of grace and compassion as I simply churn these insightful moments from my interactions into educational pieces that hopefully will help others.
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