As a male survivor of childhood sexual abuse, one of the hardest battles you may face is with your inner critic. That relentless voice tells you that you should have done something differently, that you’re somehow at fault, or that you failed to stop the abuse. These feelings can be overwhelming, clouding your journey toward healing.
But here’s the truth: You were a child, navigating a world that was just beginning to unfold before you. Your brain was still developing, and your understanding of the world was shaped by innocence and trust. Then, without warning, you were thrust into a situation you couldn’t possibly explain or comprehend—sexual abuse.
For many male survivors, this realization comes with a sense of relief and validation. At workshops and support groups, I’ve seen men’s eyes widen when they begin to accept and understand this concept. It’s a profound moment of clarity: recognizing that the decisions they made during those moments of survival were not failures but rather attempts to cope with the unimaginable.
Survival Mode: Anything Can Look Like a Solution
When you’re in survival mode, your brain is focused on one thing: getting through the situation at hand. In that state, anything—even choices you later regret—can seem like a solution.
As children, we didn’t have the tools or the language to fully understand what was happening to us. We did the best we could with what we had at the time. And yet, as adults, we hold ourselves to impossible standards.
We build “should-have” scenarios in our minds, rewriting our past with the belief that we could have done something differently. But we forget one crucial detail: no one would expect a child to have the cognitive or emotional maturity to respond to such a traumatic situation in a perfect way.
This unrealistic expectation leads to feelings of guilt, shame, and inadequacy. It’s as if we’re blaming our childhood selves for not having the insight, strength, or power of an adult—something no child could ever possess.
Cognitive Distortions and Self-Blame
As adults, we often fall into cognitive distortions—ways of thinking that are not based on reality. These distortions fuel our self-criticism and magnify our guilt.
Here are some examples of thoughts survivors might struggle with:
“If I had just left earlier, this wouldn’t have happened.”
“I should have seen the signs of abuse sooner.”
“I must have provoked or enticed them to abuse me.”
These thoughts are rooted in the false belief that you had control over the situation. But the truth is, you didn’t. Like many children, you didn’t even have the words to describe what was happening to you, let alone the ability to disclose it to someone who could help.
The Crime of the Perpetrator
In our self-blame, we often forget the real crime: the calculated, deliberate actions of the perpetrator. Childhood sexual abuse is never the fault of the child. It is always the fault of the abuser.
Perpetrators are manipulative. They use grooming to establish trust and control, not just with the child but often with the child’s parents as well.
What Does Grooming Look Like?
Perpetrators often present themselves as overly friendly and caring. They might offer seemingly generous support to the family, creating an image of trustworthiness.
They may be eager to form close bonds with the parents to gain access to the child.
The abuser works to isolate the child emotionally, creating a “special” relationship that makes the child feel dependent on them.
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