This subject exploded in a recent coaching session I had. Sharing my thoughts.
For a young boy, experiencing sexual abuse is a devastating betrayal. It robs him of safety, autonomy, and, most critically, power. Abuse shatters his ability to control what happens to his body or to stop the manipulation, coercion, or force inflicted by the perpetrator. The betrayal deepens when he feels he cannot tell anyone—or worse, that no one would believe him if he did. This persistent powerlessness becomes a silent shadow, following him into adulthood and affecting every facet of his life.
Take Johnny, for example. As a child, he tried to resist his stepfather. He said “no,” but his resistance was met with punishment, manipulation, and emotional turmoil. Johnny even tried to tell someone but held back, convinced that no one would believe him. His stepfather wore the mask of a “nice person” to the outside world, making Johnny feel trapped and unheard. The crushing guilt left Johnny questioning his own strength, believing he should have somehow stopped the abuse himself. (We often look back with hindsight that does nothing for us because there was nothing we could do.)
This deep sense of powerlessness doesn’t fade with time. Instead, it morphs, embedding itself in fears, anxieties, phobias, and nightmares. For many male survivors, it creates patterns of emotional withdrawal, depression, or escapism. For Johnny, this meant running away from home, disconnecting from his emotions, and building an alternate reality just to survive.
But for other survivors, the powerlessness manifests differently. To reclaim a sense of control, some turn to behaviors like restrictive eating, obsessive control over their bodies, or even aggressive tendencies toward others. Research shows that while female survivors often internalize the feelings of powerlessness, male survivors frequently externalize it, attempting to dominate their surroundings as a way to avoid feeling powerless again.
The real tragedy for many male survivors is the failure to recognize how their current struggles—whether in relationships, careers, or mental health—are deeply rooted in the unprocessed trauma of their childhood. Sexual abuse isn’t just one traumatic event; it’s a compilation of betrayals, fears, and stigmas. It’s an ongoing disaster that leaves behind scars like complex post-traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD), shaped by factors such as:
Who the abuser was (a trusted friend, family member, or stranger).
The duration and frequency of the abuse.
The child’s emotional support system—or lack thereof.
How others reacted to disclosure or discovery.
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