Let me distill a recent coaching session! A recent coachee asked the above question.
"Why are my adult relationships so off?" Many male survivors of childhood sexual abuse find themselves grappling with this question. Years of harmful programming from both the sexual abuse and societal attitudes distort our understanding of relationships. Many male survivors often carry subconscious beliefs that they’re flawed or undeserving of love, and many endure abusive dynamics without fully realizing it. For men, the stigma around being a victim and survivor can add another layer of difficulty, as society doesn’t readily acknowledge that men, too, can be victims.
How Our Cultural Beliefs Impact Us
Our society is only beginning to fully acknowledge sexual abuse against boys or men. Outdated cultural stereotypes may discourage us from admitting we’ve been hurt or from seeking help, often leaving us feeling isolated. Friends, or even family may dismiss our experiences, reinforcing feelings of shame, depression, and confusion. This can make it harder for us as male survivors to leave toxic relationships or feel safe in healthy ones.
Many men in these situations experience:
Fear of admitting what’s happening, the childhood abuse
Feelings of failure, guilt, or humiliation, I didn’t protect myself.
Confusion of loving the partner and not addressing their abusive behavior
Worry about their “male identity”
Belief that they somehow deserved the abuse
Recognizing Unhealthy Relationship Patterns
Survivors may tell themselves, "The childhood sexual abuse didn’t affect me. It was only fondling no penetration. See, I’m okay," not realizing how the past trauma influences current relationships. This mindset can lead to repeatedly attracting or tolerating abusive partners, because the internal “abuse meter” is damaged. If you grew up around or being abused, it can be hard to spot or you placate to harmful behavior in adulthood. You must start identifying this cycle.
Identifying Healthy, Unhealthy, and Abusive Relationships
Learning the difference between a healthy relationship and an abusive one is essential. Here are some indicators to help you gauge where your relationship stands:
Healthy Relationship: You feel safe expressing yourself honestly. Both of you respect each other’s opinions, can work through disagreements, and maintain trust. There's no pressure for physical intimacy, and personal space is valued.
Unhealthy Relationship: You feel uneasy sharing your true feelings. Disagreements often escalate, and jealousy or control issues surface. There might be incidents of emotional manipulation without a clear pattern of abuse.
Abusive Relationship: You feel unsafe, unheard, or controlled. There is a persistent pattern of verbal, emotional, or physical harm, making it difficult for you to feel respected or secure.
Breaking the Cycle
Healing requires acknowledging those past wounds, grieving, and rebuilding self-worth. Start with a basic roadmap:
Recognize the Impact: Accept and stop denying that your past childhood abuse experiences don’t influence your present. It’s not weakness; it’s an opportunity to heal.
Relearn Your Worth: Engage in practices that strengthen your self-esteem and personal value. Acknowledge that you deserve love and respect and allow others to provide you that confirmation.
Find Supportive Community: Seek out safe and supportive spaces, such as groups of other male survivors. Healing in the presence of those who understand can make the journey feel less lonely. I’ll see some of you at the workshops schedule for the coming year 2025.
Set Boundaries: Learn to identify what feels safe and what doesn’t. Practice setting boundaries with others and don’t hesitate to step away from relationships that feel unhealthy.
You’re Not Alone
Healing is a journey, but with self-reflection, support, and patience, you can learn to create and sustain healthier relationships. Remember, it’s possible to break the cycle and build relationships that reflect the respect, kindness, and love you deserve.
Be Free
Coach T
The contents of the website, newsletters, emails, courses, or posts are for educational informational purposes only. The content is not intended to be a substitute for professional mental health advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your mental health professional or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding your condition. © 2001 - 2030 The Male Survivor's Journey.com is produced by Gray Matter Coaching Service LLC. Sacramento, CA
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